East Carolinian

Issue date: 1/15/08 Section: Opinion

I don't know when it really started. I can recall when I was very young going to McDonald's and dipping my delicious french fries in that red death syrup, but somewhere along the line - let's say high school - my tongue and my mind verged into one constant thought: Ketchup is friggin' gross!

Now I don't like to badger too many people with how I feel about something, but when I see people use ketchup it makes my heart wrench. For years now I have been enjoying my french fries and hamburgers without that salty fart taste infecting everything that I eat, but I sometimes feel I just don't get it. And I don't. I am not sure where my logic derives from, but let us really think about ketchup for a moment.

My first thought: What the hell is ketchup? Really, someone tell me, because I know that when you mash a bunch of tomatoes together you get marinara sauce. Mash them lightly, hard or medium, the results will never be ketchup … ever. So logically from time to time, I read the ingredients of the red taint: vinegar and tomato paste. How does this happen? There is nothing in the ingredients that leads you to believe that adding these things together should equal a salty, tomato-like gel that goes - it doesn't - with potatoes and meat.

So where are we left in a society where everyone is using a condiment that has no identity? I suppose it comes down to a personal battle that everyone must face for themselves, but unfortunately some people take it too far, and I cannot keep it to myself anymore.

These situations come into play when I see that murderous act of ketchup on a steak, on chicken, or, God forbid, on pork. How were you people raised? A friend of mine used to have to eat cheese and ketchup sandwiches because he was so poor. Is this the key? Is it poverty that keeps ketchup going? Because I will tell you right now, I have never been rich, but to use ketchup as some sort of enhancer like salt is almost like calling cancer an enhancer.

Although I usually stand alone in my battle against the red demon, one thing that many people, including the users, all agree on is the smell. Why, dear God, does ketchup smell so bad? Now I can understand some people don't mind the smell when it is on food - I can't - but when it is separated from its parasitic relationship, it can stain lives.

As I have delved into the ingredients question with no avail, I will present another: What can produce such a horrid smell? One might think vinegar, but I know what that smells like and I don't mind it. Mayonnaise doesn't smell that bad and mustard is quite neutral. In fact, mustard is a great substitute for ketchup if anyone is interested in a withdrawal program.

In the end though, and I do mean the end, everyone will more than likely have to stand trial for their condiment abuses. Years ago, I went a little overboard on honey mustard, but I claim responsibility for it. Can you withstand the trial of ketchup abuse? Think about it…

This writer can be reached at opinion@theeastcarolinian.com

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